Every relationship goes through its ups and downs, but when a marriage starts to fall apart, there’s usually a pattern. Recognizing the early warning signs can give you a chance to address the issues before they lead to a breakup. Becky Whetstone, a marriage and family therapist with over 20 years of experience, has spent much of her career studying the stages couples go through when their relationship is in trouble. In her research, she’s identified a set of predictable stages that could help you recognize where your marriage stands and what can be done to save it.
Stage 1: Disillusionment
The first sign of trouble in a marriage is often a feeling of disillusionment. One partner begins to feel unhappy but may not be ready to confront the issue. They might think that their feelings will pass with time or that things will improve on their own. This stage can last for a while, as the person struggles internally, unsure whether their dissatisfaction is temporary or something deeper. The issue is compounded when these feelings are kept secret from their spouse, widening the emotional gap between the two.
Stage 2: Erosion
As the dissatisfaction grows, the second stage of erosion begins. At this point, the partner realizes that the unhappiness isn’t going away, and the relationship might be in real trouble. However, they hesitate to act for various reasons—family obligations, finances, or a sense of duty to their partner. Despite these reservations, the cracks start to show. Small complaints, sarcastic remarks, and passive-aggressive behavior start to seep into the relationship, often without being addressed directly.
Stage 3: Detachment
During the detachment phase, one partner starts to emotionally withdraw from the other. This could manifest as spending more time away from their spouse, getting absorbed in hobbies, or even having an affair. The goal isn’t necessarily to end the marriage but to find fulfillment outside of it. As emotional distance grows, the relationship begins to feel more like a routine, and the unhappy partner becomes more focused on everything that’s wrong, becoming blind to the positive aspects that once brought joy.
Stage 4: The Final Straw
In this stage, the couple reaches a breaking point. A single incident, whether big or small, often triggers a moment of clarity for the dissatisfied partner. This “straw that broke the camel’s back” could be something that exposes the depth of their unhappiness. It could be a hurtful comment, a betrayal, or simply a realization that they can no longer continue in the marriage as it is. This moment is often when one partner decides that the relationship is over, or they emotionally disengage from the marriage entirely.
Stage 5: The End of the Road
The final stage in a marriage’s decline is what Whetstone refers to as the “death” of the marriage. This stage marks the point where the emotional connection has been severed, and both partners realize that they cannot go back to the way things were. At this stage, divorce may seem inevitable. However, Whetstone notes that while the marriage in its previous form is over, it’s still possible for the couple to rebuild a new relationship if the right circumstances allow.
When to Seek Help
Whetstone emphasizes that couples should seek counseling during the erosion stage when issues are becoming clear but haven’t yet spiraled out of control. She stresses that it’s never too early to address problems. Waiting until things feel unbearable only makes it harder to resolve. Too many couples mistakenly believe that therapy is for marriages that are already falling apart, but in reality, it’s much more effective when used proactively.
Taking Action Early
Marriage experts agree that the sooner you address relationship issues, the better. Kurt Smith, a therapist who specializes in counseling men, advises couples to seek help at the first sign of trouble. This approach is less costly, less emotionally taxing, and has a better chance of success. “Time fixes everything” doesn’t apply to relationships that are already struggling, Smith points out. Instead, he recommends that couples take immediate action and use both time and effort to work through their problems.
What to Do if Your Partner Refuses Counseling
If your partner refuses to go to marriage counseling, don’t give up on the idea of improving your relationship. Smith suggests going to therapy on your own, even if your partner doesn’t join at first. Sometimes, just one person making the effort can lead to positive changes in the relationship. Over time, this proactive approach may encourage your partner to participate as well.
Conclusion
Marriage challenges are inevitable, but recognizing the warning signs early on can make all the difference. By understanding the stages of a deteriorating relationship, you can take the right steps to address the issues before they lead to a permanent breakdown. With open communication, counseling, and a willingness to change, many couples can navigate their way through difficult times and emerge stronger together.
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