Relationships are complicated, and finding the right partner can feel like navigating through a maze. While we all dream of meeting someone who checks all the boxes, the reality is that many of us end up with someone who doesn’t quite fit, leading to confusion and heartbreak. The truth is, statistically, many of us will marry the “wrong” person. But understanding why this happens and how to improve our choices can help us avoid repeating past mistakes.
Our Expectations Don’t Match Reality
At one point, I met someone who seemed perfect for me. It was the kind of fairytale meeting I had always imagined—serendipitous and full of chemistry. Yet, despite sharing passions and lifestyle goals, there were hidden challenges beneath the surface. We communicated in different ways, had conflicting mindsets, and didn’t resolve conflicts well. Our connection felt disconnected emotionally, even though everything seemed perfect on the surface. We eventually parted ways. The next person I met didn’t tick nearly as many boxes on paper. We had different paths in life, no immediate chemistry, and many contrasting interests. But, over time, we grew together in unexpected ways, and today, I’ve never felt more loved and understood. This experience taught me that what we think we want doesn’t always lead to the happiness we expect.
Why We Can’t Predict Our Future Happiness
Despite being knowledgeable about relationships and having experience dating around the world, I made the mistake of assuming I could predict future happiness in a relationship. This was a mistake shared by many. A study involving newlyweds showed that nearly everyone predicted their marital satisfaction would stay the same or improve, only for the opposite to occur. Those with the most optimistic predictions often faced the biggest declines. This happens because we don’t fully understand ourselves. Do we know our attachment style, love language, or emotional needs? We often ignore minor flaws in our partners that, over time, grow into significant issues. As Benjamin Franklin wisely put it, “Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterward.” To make a relationship work, you need to identify potential problems early and work through them.
Marrying for the Wrong Reasons
In many cultures, marriage is seen as a symbol of achievement, often celebrated for its social status rather than the health of the relationship itself. We are conditioned to marry based on feelings—those early sparks of chemistry or the fear of being alone. However, research shows that marrying too young or based on romantic excitement can lead to failure. For example, studies show that financial incompatibility is a leading cause of divorce, but many couples never discuss their money habits before marrying. Premarital counseling can be a valuable tool here. It allows couples to address sensitive topics, such as money management or differing life goals, before making a lifelong commitment. A study on premarital counseling found that it can increase relationship quality and significantly improve the chances of staying together.
We Choose Partners Using the Wrong Criteria
In today’s world of dating apps, we often base our choices on superficial traits—looks, hobbies, or social status. But these attributes don’t reveal whether someone is truly compatible with us long-term. What matters most in a relationship are qualities like emotional connection, communication, and mutual respect. Yet these qualities are often not easy to assess on a first date or through a simple swipe. Instead of relying on online dating platforms or brief encounters, consider focusing on building meaningful friendships first. Studies show that two-thirds of couples meet through the “Friends-to-Lovers Pathway,” proving that taking the time to develop a connection outside of initial attraction can lead to more successful and lasting relationships.
Commitment Is Key—But Not Just for the “Good Times”
Marriage isn’t just about enjoying the highs together—it’s about weathering the lows. Many people enter marriage expecting the honeymoon phase to last forever, but real life sets in soon enough. A successful marriage takes work, patience, and understanding, especially when life becomes overwhelming. As Marilyn Monroe famously said, “If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best.” Commitment in a relationship goes beyond the honeymoon phase. It’s about showing up for your partner even when things aren’t perfect. If both partners can’t commit to making the relationship work, it’s unlikely to last.
We Need to Know Ourselves First
I once believed that finding the right partner was all about meeting someone who was “my equal.” I had a successful career and an adventurous life, yet I struggled with being a good partner. I was ambitious and often unable to prioritize others’ needs. After my previous relationship ended, I worked on becoming more vulnerable, patient, and empathetic, which shifted the type of people I attracted into my life. As James Lane Allen wrote, “We do not attract what we want, we attract what we are.” Once I focused on improving myself and being the kind of partner I wanted, I began attracting healthier, more fulfilling relationships. It wasn’t about finding the “perfect” person; it was about becoming the right person for someone else.
Learning from Past Mistakes
After my previous relationship failed, I realized that I hadn’t fully prepared myself for the work marriage requires. I had focused too much on romantic excitement and not enough on the long-term commitment needed to make a relationship work. Moving forward, I knew that I needed to be more self-aware and proactive in addressing potential issues. Now, I approach relationships differently—learning from past mistakes and putting in the work to create a partnership built on understanding and mutual respect. Instead of hoping for someone to fit into a perfect mold, I focus on building a relationship based on shared values, open communication, and emotional growth.
Conclusion: The Power of Self-Awareness
The key to avoiding marrying the wrong person isn’t just about finding the perfect partner—it’s about being the right person yourself. When we focus on self-improvement, understanding our needs, and being proactive in addressing potential issues, we increase our chances of forming a successful, lasting partnership. Instead of focusing solely on finding the “right” person, we should prioritize becoming the best version of ourselves for the person who truly complements us. In the end, it’s not about perfection, but about the work and growth we put into the relationship.
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