In 1929, Wellington Lytle checked into a Milwaukee hotel with only four cents in his pocket. Moments before ending his life, he left behind a note requesting that his body be used for science, his soul goes to the Secretary of Treasury, and his sympathy to his creditors. Lytle’s final words echo the profound weight that many men feel — that their worth is measured by their usefulness to others. A century later, this sentiment endures, as society continues to hold men to standards of being “good providers,” often with heavy costs.
The Dangers of “Good Provider” Pressure
Men are still tied to ideals that equate masculinity with the role of provider. Faced with these expectations, many men respond by pushing themselves relentlessly at work, trying to meet societal standards that lead to stress and health issues. Others withdraw emotionally, carrying quiet fears that their efforts will never be enough. This internalized stress partially explains why depression rates in men remain high, despite fewer formal diagnoses.
A Hidden Mental Health Crisis
Although depression is diagnosed more frequently in women, men die by suicide at four times the rate. Many men feel compelled to “suffer in silence” due to social expectations, leading to undiagnosed struggles. A recent study revealed that men who die by suicide are often undiagnosed with depression, showcasing the stigma that still surrounds men expressing vulnerability.
The Education Gap and Its Effects
The education gap has worsened male economic prospects over recent decades. As outlined in Richard Reeves’ book Of Boys and Men, women now outnumber men in colleges and are more likely to graduate high school. The lack of education limits career options, contributing to increased rates of joblessness among men without diplomas. While the education gap didn’t happen overnight, it has only recently garnered attention, raising questions about why it took so long to address.
Redefining Masculinity in Modern Society
Reeves suggests that one way to bridge this gap is to delay boys’ school entry by a year to account for developmental differences. While controversial, he argues that society has adapted to support girls in STEM fields, but has yet to address the emotional intelligence gap for boys. This disparity underscores the need for schools to adapt to the unique challenges that boys face in their development.
Conflicting Gender Expectations in the Workplace
Though women are increasingly out-earning their male partners, societal views on masculinity haven’t evolved to match. Studies reveal that couples in which the woman is the primary breadwinner are 50% more likely to divorce, and men in these dynamics are more likely to cheat. While traditionalists might argue that men should simply “keep up,” the reality is more complex. This societal divide places men who are uncomfortable with these shifts in a challenging position.
The “One Role” Complex
Research indicates that men often find meaning in the single role of provider, unlike women, who typically draw purpose from multiple roles, such as mother, friend, or professional. Women’s flexibility in these roles grants them higher self-complexity and, subsequently, resilience. Men, however, have historically linked their identity solely to their ability to provide financially, which can lead to feelings of inadequacy when they struggle in this domain.
The “Toxic Masculinity” Debate Misses the Mark
Liberals may decry “toxic masculinity,” while conservatives sometimes argue for traditional gender roles. But therapist Jonathan Decker suggests that “limiting masculinity” is the true issue. By enforcing a narrow definition of what it means to be a man, society places impossible expectations on men. This rigidity leaves many young men disillusioned and vulnerable to influencers who peddle extreme versions of masculinity as if it’s their only choice.
“What It Means to Be a Good Provider”
In conversations about masculinity, many men express confusion about what it means to be a “good provider.” One veteran, Julius, openly shared his thoughts on the struggle to balance societal expectations with authenticity. Julius remarked on the irony of men needing to project strength and stoicism, while society demands empathy and vulnerability from women. For men like Julius, who have battled depression and PTSD, these conflicting ideals underscore the difficulty of being true to oneself while fulfilling social expectations.
Shaping a Healthier Future for Men
If society continues to teach boys that their worth lies only in providing, some may rebel or turn toward harmful ideologies. Worse, others may harm themselves. The way forward is to broaden our definition of masculinity, allowing men to find purpose in ways that reflect their true selves. The next generation deserves the freedom to define masculinity in ways that allow for emotional expression, personal growth, and a sense of value beyond financial contribution. We owe it to our sons to build a more inclusive, understanding world.
This content has, in part, been generated with the aid of an artificial intelligence language model. While we strive for accuracy and quality, please note that the information provided may not be entirely error-free or up-to-date. We recommend independently verifying the content and consulting with professionals for specific advice or information. We do not assume any responsibility or liability for the use or interpretation of this content.